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Woke up that morning at 5:30 with contractions.  I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks, so I figured it wasn’t real.  After all, I had a full day planned– I had to get groceries, do diaper laundry, and pick up the house.  I didn’t have time to have a baby!  But the contractions didn’t stop, so I got up to time them.

I sat on my “birth ball” (really a workout ball) and turned on Contraction Master.  I watched “Desperate Housewives” that I had recorded, and timed my contractions at 7-8 minutes for about 2 hours.  I told Steve that he should probably call off of work, but that he could stay asleep, because I was going to shower.  As soon as I decided to take a shower, they began coming every 4-5 minutes, then every 2-3.  I was still timing them while in the shower– I would look at my watch and write the time down on a piece of paper.

Steve got up while I was trying to blow dry my hair– I kept dropping the dryer and moaning.   We called my midwife around 8:30, and were advised to head to the hospital.  Ty woke up while I was finishing packing the (useless) hospital bag– I was moaning really loudly.  Steve got him up, changed and eating breakfast.

The contractions were very low in my abdomen, wrapping around from my back.  I would vocalize during them, grab onto something, and breathe deeply.  Steve would rub my lower back, which helped a lot.  My son thought it was just hilarious– luckily I didn’t scare him!  I started crying and telling DH “I can’t do this without drugs!” (my plan was to go med-free).  Turns out, I was in transition.

The ride to the hospital was AWFUL!  I consistently had contractions.  We met my friend Cathy at the hospital and she took Ty with her to her house.  I was in so much pain I could barely walk through the walkway to the hospital.  Luckily, a nurse was leaving her shift and helped Steve walk me to L&D.  The admitting nurse kept trying to ask me questions, but I was having so many contractions that they finally just brought me to the room.  My midwife, Jan, met us there, and checked me– I was at 9 cm!  By this time it was 10 am.  Jan and Steve were amazing.  They reminded me to breathe (I had a hard time staying on top of the pain, and tended to freeze up during contractions).  Jan would remind me that my body was working the way it should.  She broke my water when I hit 10 cm, and I started pushing.  It was such a relief to push, because it took away from the pain of the contractions.  I’m not sure how long I pushed for, but Lillian Ivey was born at 11:38 am– less than 2 hours after we got to the hospital, and 6 hours from my first contraction.

I was able to go without meds, which I was very proud of!  I do not judge anyone who chooses an epidural– I had one last time, and it was awesome.  I wanted to see if I could do it med-free, for myself.  I’m glad I did, and if we ever have a third, I plan to do the same!

Lily and Jan

One day old

The whole family

First Christmas

My son was born 10 hours after being induced for pregnancy-induced hypertension.  After he was born, the nurses immediately took him to the incubator to be cleaned, measured, weighed, etc as I was being stitched up (episiotomy).  After 30+ minutes, he was handed to me and I attempted to get him to latch on.  No go.  We tried many, many times over the next 4 days (yes, 4 days.  More on that in a minute.)  On the second day, I was in tears.  I tried nipple shields.   The lactation consultant visited constantly.  I slathered myself with Lansinoh.  But the pain was unbearable.  Then, the bad news– he was jaundiced.  I was told to supplement with formula.  Yes, I know that breastfeeding exclusively helps with jaundice.  I knew that then, I know that now.  But when my child won’t latch on, I’m going to do whatever the hell I need to to get him to eat and poop out that bilirubin.  I fed him a bottle, which he greedily sucked down.

I continued to try to breastfeed, while also supplementing with formula.  My son was in the hospital for 4 days; I was released on the 3rd day, but allowed to stay in my hospital room with him.  On the 3rd night, he was placed under the lights to help with his jaundice.  I’ve never seen a newborn sleep so soundly!  We were only allowed to get him out to feed him.

After getting home, we settled into a feeding routine.  I would place him to my breast, using a curved syringe to feed him formula and try to coax him to latch on.  Then my mom or husband would feed him a bottle while I pumped.  This continued for a week.  I produced nothing.  Drops at a time, if that.  My doctor prescribed Reglan to increase my supply.  I saw a lactation consultant who encouraged me to keep up the routine.  After 3 weeks, my husband went back to work.  And I was done.  I could not care for my newborn if I was spending an hour at a time trying to encourage him to eat, then pumping what amounted to 3 drops of milk.  I dreaded every time he was hungry.  But once I made the decision to switch to formula, we were both happier.

But the guilt was eating me alive.

I always knew I would breastfeed.  It was best for the baby, and I wanted my baby to have the best.  I took the class, read the books, talked to my friends who were successful breastfeeders.  But no one tells you what can happen when your breasts just don’t work.  While no one personally ever gave me any grief for feeding my child formula, the message in the parenting world was that “breast is best” and formula is akin to child abuse.  That may be stretching it a little, but that’s how I felt it was being presented.  I still feel that it is being presented that way.

It took me over a year, with a bout of late post-partum depression thrown in for good measure, for me to feel good about my decision.

I recently gave birth to my daughter.  Everything was quick and easy; she was born 6 hours after I went into labor, and about an hour and a half after arriving at the hospital.  No epidural, no medications.  She was placed on my chest, and I was able to attempt to nurse her within an hour.  She latched on.  I was ecstatic.  She ate every couple of hours throughout the day.  At night, she was eating every hour or so.  I felt some pain, but nothing I thought I couldn’t handle.

A lactation consultant visited me the next day; unfortunately, my daughter was in the nursery getting her hearing test.  I explained my pain to the LC, who said that it could be a sign of a bad latch.  She asked me to call her as soon as my daughter got back, so she could see how she latched on.  But when I asked the nurse to call her, I was informed that the LC was busy with another patient.  I never saw the LC again.

The pain continued and increased.  By the time I was released (a mere 33 hours after giving birth!  Such a relief after spending 4 days there after my son’s birth) my nipples were cracked and bleeding, and were fire-engine red.  Again, I dreaded every time she was hungry.  I was exhausted and in pain.  Because of this, I was having a hard time bonding with her.  I made up my mind that first night at home that I was done.  No pumping, no Reglan.  She was drinking formula.  This time, I feel less guilty.  I have seen how my son benefited, and I know my daughter will do the same.

I still believe that breast milk is best for babies.  But I know that formula can be a good, healthy alternative.

But I am disgusted with the way that formula feeders are villified.  While many argue that the push for “breast is best” is about educating those who may not know the benefits, it is also alienating mothers who cannot or choose not to breastfeed.  On internet forums, mothers who formula feed are blasted for not caring about their children’s well being, for not trying hard enough, for being lazy.  Why can’t mothers just SUPPORT one another?  Why does it have to be about being better than someone else?  I don’t care how you feed your child, so don’t care about how I feed mine.  And I hate that I feel that I have to defend myself for my choices.

I recently came across a website: Fearless Formula Feeder.  It is a mother who eventually chose to formula feed her child, and discusses the various studies that are released regarding the evils of formula.  I encourage any mother, both breastfeeding and formula feeding, to read it.  Maybe then we can stop arguing over which is better.

My healthy formula eaters

2. Wipe snot from their noses with my bare hands, and go booger diving with my fingernails.  Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.  Disgusting, I know.

3. Bedshare.  We have a co-sleeper/bassinet next to the bed, but sometimes Lily won’t go back to sleep after her overnight bottles without a little snuggle.  And dammit, we both need our sleep!  I never really did bedsharing with Ty until he got a little older, and that was just naps (although during his sleep boycott my last month of pregnancy we tried to get him to sleep by bringing him to our bed.  He just kicked us all night long.)  I just make sure that there are no blankets or pillows near Lily’s face, that her nose isn’t pressed into the mattress (she likes to sleep on her side), and that if she manages to leap milestones and start rolling, she’ll roll into the bassinet.

4. Give my kids tea at a young age.  Ty’s a Southern boy at heart– he LOVES sweet tea!  I only give him little sips here and there, and he usually only drinks milk or water.

I’m sure there will be many more to come in the future!

But today takes the cake.  It was one of those perfect mornings.  Ty slept through the night (he’s had a little trouble adjusting, and has started waking up crying in the middle of the night) and didn’t wake up until after 9.  Lily fell back asleep after her 7 am bottle, and therefore I did too.  We all three woke up at 9:15 to Bob Willis playing on the computer and the smell of pancakes, eggs and cinnamon rolls.  After giving Lily her early morning bottle, Steve got up and decided to make breakfast.  Ahhh!  Normally, breakfast for me is cereal and coffee, so this was a real treat.

After breakfast I held off on doing the dishes.  I cuddled with my big boy and read books.  Then he went to cuddle with daddy and little sister on the couch.

Just another lazy Saturday, where good coffee and good football will be enjoyed.

Gooo Dawgs!  Sic ‘em!

Nick Jr: My toddler is watching an obscene amount of television.  Once things settle down we’ll get back into the routine of getting out more, but until then, Moose and Zee (and Dora and The Fresh Beat Band) keep him entertained while I’m trying to feed his sister every 2-3 hours.  At least he’s learning Spanish and some dance moves!

Babywearing: Lily only sleeps if 1) she is swaddled; 2) she is in the bed with us (I know, I know!); or 3) she is on someone’s chest.  I don’t think I would get anything done without 2 very important products.  The Gypsy Mama Wrap comes in gorgeous designs, and allows me to carry Lily around while doing dishes, hanging/folding laundry, and chasing Ty.  My Maya Wrap stays in the car, and allows me to wear Lily around while running errands around town.  That way I can avoid hauling the stroller out, or precariously balancing her car seat on the store carts (that just scares the crap out of me!)

Swaddling blankets: I have used the Swaddle Me blankets, but find that Lily tends to overheat a little in them.  So I ordered some muslin blankets from Figure 8 Maternity.  They have free shipping, and also offer loyalty credit.  Muslin blankes are lightweight, and help regulate the baby’s body temperature.  They are also HUGE, so the swaddling can be a little tricky, but you can also use them as blankets, nursing covers, burp cloths, stroller covers, etc.  And babies LOVE being swaddled!

Crayons: Another great distraction tool for Ty.  He loves to color, so the combination of these large crayons plus his art table (purchased from Craigslist) is heaven for me.  Now I just need to break him of the habit of coloring on the windows and back door…

Thirsties Duo Wrap Covers: I got most of Lily’s newborn cloth diapers off of Craigslist, but bought 3 of these diaper covers from local San Antonio shop Go Baby Go! Lily has had a couple of nasty diapers that escaped the diaper…but not the diaper cover!  The leg gussets help to contain the poop.  They are adjustable, and last from 6-18 lbs (for size 1).  The size 2 lasts from 19-40 lbs.  I use these covers over prefolds and fitted diapers.

Many more items to come as the weeks progress!

I’ve worked with both drug-addicted babies and drug-addicted mothers, so I’ve seen both sides.  I can empathize with the concept of addiction as a disease.

That being said, I don’t think all drugs are equal.  Heroin is not the same as marijuana.  Yes, both are illegal (in most places, and under most circumstances).  However, I do not feel that marijuana should be illegal.  I feel that alcohol is more harmful than pot.  Legalize pot and tax the hell out of it.  It is not a gateway drug.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

One fight doesn’t matter.  I go to the hospital to be there for my friend.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I have no regrets.  Seriously.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

As much as I loved taking time off after getting my Bachelor’s degree, I wish I had just gone and gotten my Master’s.  I could have just gotten it over with!

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Sorry, that’s just too time-consuming.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

To continue to make a difference in this world, for my family and others.

I’m not a person that can cite music as a way to help me get through bad days.  I love music, but I wouldn’t say one particular band has affected me in a certain way.  311 is my all-time favorite artist.  They are upbeat and put on great shows (I’ve seen them 6 times).  I guess if I’m ever feeling “down” (pun intended!) I could put them on and they would cheer me up.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.

Another one I can’t relate to, because I don’t have any heroes.  Seriously.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

This one is easy– my husband.  We’ve been together since 2004.  He left Atlanta in January 2006 to work in San Antonio.  We kept up a long distance relationship, but I was miserable.  I ended up moving out to San Antonio in July 2006.  Best decision I ever made!

On a lighter note– chapstick.  I NEED it.  I have one in my purse, one in the living room, and one in the bedroom.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Chocolate.  I like it, but I could live without it.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I honestly cannot say.  I read so many fantastic books for classes during college that may have changed my views, but I could never pinpoint just one.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

I am 110% FOR gay marriage.  Honestly, I just don’t understand people who can be against gay marriage.  Does it affect your life in some way?  If your views are religious, are you going to go to hell because someone else marries someone of the same sex?  Why should anyone have a say on who someone else marries?

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I’ll answer both.

Religion: I personally do not subscribe to any particular religion.  I consider myself more or less to be agnostic.  I feel that if a person chooses to be a religious person, then that’s their business, just as my choice not to be religious is mine.  Religion can be a good and a bad thing (more good than bad).  Too many injustices are carried out in the name of religion (see Day 18, for example), but I recognize that it is not the way that every person of a certain religion feels (just as every Muslim is not a terrorist!)

Politics: Eh.  I’m so tired of politics.  I’m so tired of how people of this country get into such an uproar over politics that they do not agree with.  I’m the first to say that I did not agree with 90% of what came out of Dubya’s mouth.  I also do not agree with 100% of what Obama says.  But god damn, this whole “Tea Party” business is just insane.

Either my eyes (blue) or my memory (good).

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

My common sense.  I don’t gots it.  What can I say?  I’m more book smart!

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I had a couple of bosses back in the day who treated, well, everyone like shit.  I wouldn’t say they made my life hell, though.  I LOVED my job.  I’ll say no more about it, though I’m sure some people who may read this will know exactly who I mean!

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I regret not keeping in better touch with out of town friends.  It’s hard to move to a new city, and leave old friends behind.  I definitely fell out of touch with most of my high school friends (and admittedly, a lot of college friends as well).  But by the power of Facebook, we’re able to connect in some small way!  I’ve been trying to have “phone dates” with my close out-of-town friends, which has helped somewhat.  I still miss them like crazy, though!

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I have no one in mind for this day.  I’m thankful for all of the people in my life.  There isn’t one person I can think of that I would want to let go of.

In other news…KICK OFF SATURDAY!  Just a little over a week away!  I’ve decided that I need to go into labor sometime in the beginning to middle of the week, preferably a Monday or Tuesday.  Because St. Luke’s hospital does not have ESPN Game Plan, and I needs to see my Bulldogs play.